


The Student Has Surpassed

by herbailiwick



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Gen, POV First Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-16
Updated: 2013-02-16
Packaged: 2017-11-29 12:25:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/686930
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/herbailiwick/pseuds/herbailiwick
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>Sometimes I hate my son.</em>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Student Has Surpassed

Sometimes I hate my son. He can defy orders and still get the job done. He's as calm as I am a nervous wreck in the heat of the moment. His toys growing up were all weapons. He's good.

If Sam defies an order, Sam gets in trouble, and then I get to save Sam, I get to show him I'm right, show both of them I can make it as a hunter, that...that my dad never should have left me, that I could have protected Mary if I'd known.

Dean is stronger than I am. Dean takes care of Sam in ways I never have. I know; I've had people observe them, I've observed them myself. Dean even takes care of _me_. I found out once that Dean tried to take care of Mary too.

I think that if Dean had been hunting by the time that demon came into Sam's nursery, he could have saved us all. I was never going to save them. Now look what I've become.

Sometimes, I wish Dean _was_ the father of our little family, that he could be the parent, and I know that's wrong, but I remember how my own father left me. I never even _got_ orders from my father. He told me I was a legacy, that I was everything he wanted me to be, but he was lying to my face. I've never been anything anyone wanted me to be.

Dean sometimes looks at me like I am, tells me I am, holds me because I'm afraid of the hunting. It makes me shake sometimes for an hour, and Dean just tells me that's what bravery is.

Sam tells it to me straight. Sam tells me I'm a liar, that I always let them down, that they should be racing remote control cars and playing soccer, not shooting guns and wielding knives. He's so smart.

Dean is an amazing hunter, but Sam sees right through me. I'd rather have someone consistently yell at me and rebel than have someone sometimes make mistakes that I freak out over and turn out to be the better hunter anyway.

My son is a better hunter than I am. He was better when he was 6 years old, even. Sam's more of my little researcher. He's intellectual, questioning, suspicious, normal. I turned Dean into a sort of robot, willing to please me, not understanding that he could run out and hunt on his own, he really could.

Sometimes Dean leaves the motel room when I'm gone. Sam always stayed. This is why Stanford was such a shock to me.

I wanted Sam to make it as a lawyer. I wanted him to be safe and successful, since he's not really a hunter, not at heart.

I'd never suggest taking Dean away from the hunting life. Maybe I've screwed with his head one too many times, maybe it's all on me, but he's sure it's all he's got going for him. He struggles with school, but he's determined and focused when it comes to the job, like he breathes it, and I'm sure I created this child who was never a child, who sometimes has to take care of me like no kid should.

Sam is just my son. There's no role reversal there. A lecturing, intelligent son who sees beyond my short-sighted capability, but a son nonetheless.

Sometimes I feel like Sam is my only success as a father. He'll let me be his father. Dean wants to protect me, and sometimes that makes me feel nausea that lingers for hours. What is a good, gentle, eager kid doing wanting to protect his own father?

Sometimes I hate my son. And it's not his fault. He's exactly how I raised him to be.


End file.
